We spend life as a human being not as a human doing.
All of us in life need to feel in harmony with ourselves. As a human being it is important to be content with who we are. Most people need to be at peace with their sense of self.
Being
Enabling
Inspiring
Nurturing
Growing
Taken from Being an approach to life and dementia by David M Sheard
Good things come to those who wait - Apple blossom on my apple tree on my allotment - I was on that waiting list for 8 years - we got our key last week - the kids were so excited you would have thought we were getting the key to Narnia!
This is so personal but I believe it is a major part of my life and instrumental to me moving on and grabbing life 100%. I only want to live a sparkly, glittery life which I know is possible. Plans are coming to fruition and I promise faithful readers - can't believe how many of you still read despite my sporadic posts - to keep you more up to date with the better things in my life.
I think last time I blogged - you know - about a punch on the nose - I was heading for feeling really angry with a certain woman in New York who last year turned the head of my husband and stole his love from my family and me. I lost my lover, best friend and husband all in one go. We have tried to 'fix' it but I know when I look him in the eyes I will never feel safe in his arms again so it can never be.
I had always felt massive sadness about all this but never felt really angry. I have felt very cross, I mean really cross but not angry. I refused to do the bitterness and anger thing. However, I kept meeting people who hate their unfaithful ex-partners and I know I just don't want to keep that heaviness in my heart forever. So I thought and thought. My brain hurt so much from thinking about it and I tried and tried to forgive her in my mind but I couldn't. Then I emailed her and told her this:-
You have changed my children's lives and my life beyond anything I or they could ever imagine. I realised today that marriage can work as long as you don't remember what your arguements are about. I will never be able to forget what broke my marriage up. I do not want to carry that pain forward in my life any more. I leave all resentment and anger towards my husband and you behind.PS I am crying as I write this but I know this is the only way forward.
I have let go of any bad feelings I have towards her as I really think she was grabbing for something she was missing. I really hope she finds it. I am determined to restructure my life again in such a positive way. I have met some amazing, wonderful people during my journey and made some fantastic new friends. Old friends have stood by me in the most deep touching ways possible. I am one lucky person!
Watch this and feel happy!
These are random thoughts from me today, relaxed and rambling because it is very peaceful here ....
When I think about my life I really never thought it would end up like this ..... but then if I think again I don't really know what I thought it would be like either!
My new life has opened up new avenues that I really need to walk down, paths I wouldn't have taken if my life had stayed on the track I thought it was on.
This photograph highlights perfectly my thoughts today - sparkly shoes that we can step in to, to take us somewhere wonderous, somewhere I don't know what my future looks like, somewhere where there is new exciting things to be done and experienced.
This weekend I am alone but I now have a brilliant social life which was wildly lacking when I was married - I have snoozed, slept properly (no children's elbows up your nose at 4 am in the morning), enjoyed red wine by a toasty log fire at Ann-Marie's house, gone to the cinema with Alison and cycled along in the dark gazing at the crystal clear sky and the beautiful stars before the grizzly rain started falling. I have played on line scrabble and msn messaged my friend who is very poorly with laryngitis and a stinking cold and can't talk (I didn't think it was possible to meet someone who actually talked more than I do!)
Life isn't what I planned, it isn't what I thought I signed up for in my mind - you know living apart from my children some of the time. I miss them with all my heart when they are not here but it gives me a different experience. There is something lovely waiting for those little feet to appear again to fill those dancing, sparkly shoes and scatter the contents of the dressing up box across the sitting room and disappear in to a different world ...
I randomly picked an image from my photographs. Any message? I don't think so other than the girl is holding a book which says Good Story. I think it is important to blog a good story something uplifting but honest. My friend Louise rang me and asked why I had removed my last post - in answer to all of you wondering nothing bad has happened - but I felt that I should be more careful considering the legal implications on my divorce if I write about certain things.
Blogging would be whole lot easier if I remembered to take my flipping camera out with me more often!
The other day I heard Robbie Williams on the radio talking about how he liked 'knock out flu' as he is an insomniac and loves a good dose of flu that makes him go to sleep. I can relate to that. As long as my bones are not aching too much I love to fall in to the deep sleep that flu offers. Since having children I am a light sleeper and once in a while I am sure my body needs to get one of those deep sleeps.
Today I have been lying in bed with either cold/flu. Spencer the cat has been sunning himself at the foot of the bed and two small children have been overdosing on children's tv and lego as they are off school with colds - terrible english but that sums it up. My brain has been working over time sorting things out whilst I have been dozing with the sound of children's TV constantly on in the background.
After all:-
I actually think it is all a bit baffling at times but it is all becoming a lot clearer. I did a very tiring workshop at the weekend. Amongst all the things I learnt I feel one valuable lesson is to plan your life around the certainties ... you know the things that are certain, that you know exist not what might or could happen. This is not about goal setting so you can reach for the stars as far as that is concerned!
As a Mum of three children I am so aware how rapidly Christmas is approaching. Normally, by this time of year I nearly have Christmas licked in to shape e.g nearly all the presents bought and wrapped as I really love to enjoy the children's excitement as Christmas approaches. This year I am way off the mark. I need nearly normal service to resume here. It may be our last Christmas in this house so I would really like to make the most of it with the children.
The only person that can make this happen is ME. One of my super friends gave me a little coaching session this evening on possibility. I like the sound of a future full of possibility because that means really the sky is the limit.
I have discussed this before but one thing that really has to change is getting some of our things back out again. This is an old photograph before all this crap happened. The shelf below is currently empty. I look at it and it is a plain shelf, nothing special about it. But when I add our things to it then it changes it becomes our shelf, my little family's shelf. I am going to add things back in to my heart again. So my heart becomes my heart again. My little family's heart again. I love this oxymoron coming up - I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY HEART FOR EMPTINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once upon a time
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog
As she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dopper young prince that I am.
And then my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother. Where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself...
I don't fucking think so.
Last night I went to Made 09 in Brighton. It was great to be in such a vibrant arty space with such talented artists and makers.
I was given some lovely daffodils by a very special friend. I have always found daffodils to be such a happy flower.
When all this recent experience of mine kicked off I put many things away. I now know I did not want to associate bad memories with my lovely, lovely things. I am just beginning to bring things back out again.
Today I got out my flower book so the children can turn the pages every day like we used to. A new flower and a new inspiration every day chosen by them.
I have always worn lots of silver bangles but I no longer wear my old ones. Last night I bought two new bangles as a start to my new collection. It felt good.
By the way this happened too:-
I have always felt very safe in my house and am trying to maintain that feeling as yesterday some bugger walked in to my front garden and pinched my locked bicycle. I have never had anything taken from the front garden and it has always been full of kids toys, bikes, mosaics and general beach paraphernalia.
This is Spencer, the cat, climbing over my bike in the summer. There is obviously some plonker cycling around looking really butch with a flowery bicycle basket. If you see him/her do me a favour and clip them with your wing mirror!
One year ago life was very different for me
my best friend and soul mate gave me this card. We were together for 24 years. It is over now but I am still in love. Do you know what I am not ashamed to write of my deepest love for this man. Love like this is a good thing not a bad thing. I am lucky to have loved so deeply rather than never found a love like it.
I think it is the bhuddhists that say in order to have an open heart you must have had your heart broken first. Whilst this is all really tough I do think I know love on a deeper level now.
